The short answer: right now, before the Rapture comes, you pay $10 to an organization called After the Rapture Pet Care. Which will take care of your pets after the Rapture.
But before we go into this service thoroughly, I want everyone to realize my Harper’s Magazine reading does not stop with its Findings and its Weekly Review. Just in case you thought I was that intellectually lazy.
Oh, I can be. But I do peruse all of Harper’s every month. Notice I did not say “read.” Harper’s is an unusually literary magazine. By which I mean Harper’s selects the writers it publishes from an exclusive group of writers I’ve never heard of. Their work is dense, edgy to the point of me saying “Why is this guy telling me this?” and — I’m trying to find the critical word for it — possibly post-modern, although I’m regularly unsure of what “post-modern” means, unless it means I don’t understand this and/or I find it tedious in its excruciatingly obsessive detail.
But I give everything in Harper’s a look, at least a column’s worth per piece.
Beyond its aim at high literature, though, Harper’s always has a couple of sections of low or weird real-life comedy. And that’s how I came upon an item called “No Dogs Go To Heaven” about the aforementioned After the Rapture Pet Care.
My digest of this question-and-answer section, which is hard to do because I’m laughing so hard I’m having problems keeping my fingers on the correct keys, is:
When the Rapture takes all the Christians in the world up, the only people left on earth will be, obviously, non-Christians. And since there’s absolutely no guarantee that god will be hauling your pets up there along with you, if you want to make sure your pets will be cared for you should sign up with the After the Rapture Pet Care, which will necessarily be manned by non-Christian Pet Caretakers –but deeply caring non-Christian Pet Caretakers who “love animals enough to register with us even though they do not believe there will be a Rapture.”
So listen. You should register your dogs and cats with this group but if you have larger animals, they’ll not guarantee they’ll be able to accommodate them. When The Time comes.
P.S. We are reassured that, unlike what many people fear, after the Rapture it won’t be confusion and darkness and utter dystopia here on earth. No, no: …”the anti-Christ will bring temporary peace and…the world will worship an idol god, so therefore there will be a societal structure at least for a while.”
So, a couple of cheers for the anti-Christ. And the idol god. Wonder who that’ll be?
P.P.S. Aren’t you glad I controlled my hilarity long enough to inform you about this?