Below is my full deposition of Montaigne. I think you’ll notice I had a wonderful time with him, even when one of my questions pisses him off and he stalks out.<\/p>\n
I trust you’ll spot the rock ‘n’ roll questions, as well as the direct quotes from Montaigne’s essays, although you’ll also notice he used some contemporary language with me. (That’s how intimate we’ve gotten.) By the way, Montaigne was, by Jewish standards, a Jew: his mother, who converted, was a Sephardic Jew, a diasporic refugee from the Inquisition in Portugal.<\/p>\n
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Q. Good afternoon. My name is Naomi Fein and I will be conducting your deposition today. Could you state your full name for the record?<\/p>\n
A. It\u2019s longish \u2013 Michel Eyquem de Montaigne. I can spell that \u2013<\/em><\/p>\n Q. No, that won\u2019t be necessary, Monsieur. The world knows how to spell your name.<\/p>\n A. Then, hey, call me Michel.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Thank you. So Michel, you are being deposed as an expert witness in life\u2019s great questions. I will ask the great questions and you will supply the great answers.<\/p>\n A. Gotcha.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. First, let me state that I\u2019ve been reading you for years and, well, I think you\u2019re a rock star.<\/p>\n A. Beautiful topics can always hold their own, no matter where you strew them. “Rock star”?<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Indeed, so let\u2019s catch up with what you\u2019ve been doing lately. What\u2019s new, pussycat?<\/p>\n A. When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Oh, um, actually I wasn\u2019t asking about your genuine cat, but since you brought up the category of fauna, why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?<\/p>\n A. It\u2019s because marriage happens as with cages; the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out. And I am married, you know.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. So I have heard.<\/p>\n A. Have you heard?<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Have you<\/em> heard?<\/p>\n A. What do I know?<\/em><\/p>\n Q. If I don\u2019t ask the questions, Michel, our court reporter will get all screwed up with the \u201cQ\u2019s\u201d and A\u2019s\u201d \u2013<\/p>\n A. But that\u2019s my answer: \u201cWhat do I know?\u201d, i.e., \u201cQue sais-je?\u201d Carved in stone, right above my study doorway.<\/em><\/p>\n A. Oh yeah, I remember that.<\/p>\n Q. So I could keep repeating it throughout this deposition,\u201cWhat do I know?\u201d \u201cWhat do I know?\u201d with a big shrug, like this.<\/em> [Deponent shrugs, big.]<\/p>\n Q. You could but then it wouldn\u2019t be much of a deposition, would it?<\/p>\n A. Non.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. So already it seems that I do all the pleasing with you it\u2019s so hard to reason with you, oh yeah, why do you make me blue?<\/p>\n A. I\u2019ll answer your question by saying \u2013 get this \u2013 there is no man so good who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws, would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Whoa, that\u2019s harsh. Unless \u2013 are you there with another girl?<\/p>\n A. Heh heh. Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Quite anxiety-provoking. I mean, I love you, but do you love me?<\/p>\n A. If when in love your passion is too powerful, dissipate it…Break it down into a variety of desires, one of which may rule as master if you like, but enfeeble it and delay it by subdividing it and diverting it, lest it dominate you and tyrannize over you.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. And that\u2019s so depressing. So what you\u2019re saying is, no matter how I feel about you, what\u2019s love got to do with it?<\/p>\n A. Exactly, because I like natures which are temperate and moderate.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. My nature is not temperate. Ain\u2019t that a shame?<\/p>\n A. The greater part of the world\u2019s troubles are due to questions of grammar.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. I was using \u201cain\u2019t\u201d as an expression, M. Snark. Point is, will you still love me tomorrow?<\/p>\n A. That boiling rapture is no good at all.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. But is that all there is? If so, why do fools fall in love?<\/p>\n A. We are all blockheads.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. But don\u2019t you believe in love qua<\/em> magic? Do you believe in magic?<\/p>\n A. …it turns out that nothing is so firmly believed as whatever we know least about.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Well, clearly you didn\u2019t write it, so I wonder wonder who who who who who who who wrote the book of love?<\/p>\n A. I think you have one \u201cwho\u201d too many in there.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Do I?<\/p>\n A. You want me to answer that?<\/em><\/p>\n Q. No no, um \u2013 go back to the book-of-love question.<\/p>\n A. I no longer remember anything about that. I may be a man of fairly wide reading, but I retain nothing.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Let me change the subject: Do I look all right?<\/p>\n A. Yes. Which is a direct quote from my essay, \u201cOn giving the lie.\u201d But getting back to looking all right, when I was a young man, in default of other glories I gloried in fine clothes. In my case they were quite becoming; but there are folk on whom fine clothes sit down and cry.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. I think you still look great. Do you wanna dance?<\/p>\n A. Not at the moment. To be ready to appear in public, you have to brush your hair; you have to arrange things and put them in order.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Let\u2019s return to the fear of betrayal. Maybe I know that he\u2019s been a cheating…but what can I do?<\/p>\n A. Whereas our fathers knew degrees of vengeance we now begin at the end and straightway talk of nothing but killing… \u2018He\u2019ll be sorry for it,\u2019 we say. Do we really think he is sorry for it once we have shot him through the head?<\/em><\/p>\n Q. How did you know I was thinking about shoo\u2013 … withdrawn. Um, who put the bomp in the bomp de bomp de bomp?<\/p>\n A. I would very much love to grasp things with a complete understanding but I cannot bring myself to pay the high cost of doing so. Answering idiotic questions comes under \u201chigh cost,\u201d so I\u2019m outta here.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. Oh, gee \u2013 won\u2019t you stay just a little bit longer?<\/p>\n A. Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond you.<\/em><\/p>\n Q. But it\u2019s raining outside. Who\u2019ll stop the rain?<\/p>\n A. Oy, you had to ask! The stubborn nature of my stones, especially when in my prick, has sometimes forced me into prolonged suppressions of urine during three or four days …<\/em><\/p>\n Q. TMI!<\/p>\n A. \u201cTMI,\u201d such a pass\u00e9 expression<\/em>. [Deponent heads for the door]<\/p>\n Q. Wait! Do you know where you\u2019re going to?<\/p>\n A. Yeah, the men\u2019s room. Do I need a key?<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Below is my full deposition of Montaigne. I think you’ll notice I had a wonderful time with him, even when one of my questions pisses him off and he stalks out. I trust you’ll spot the rock ‘n’ roll questions, … Continue reading