Yes, folks. I can, if I choose, become a Reality TV Star and it’s all about my Small Claims Court filing. I’m sort of blown away. Well, in between laughing, I’m blown away. (It’s tricky doing both at the same time. Try it.)
So what happened? Today I received a letter from The People’s Court. I was just on the verge of tossing it into the garbage without opening it when, hey, I opened it. Although I’ve changed the name of the defendant, here is the entire letter, fonts and formatting replicated, with my comments in brackets:
Dear NAOMI FEIN,
The People’s Court with Judge Marilyn Milian [a very nice picture of Marilyn, bright lipstick and big smile, holding a large gavel, runs down the side of the letter] is interested in reviewing the case you filed against [The Little Crooked Townhouse Tenants Corp] in the amount of $3,097.45.
The benefits are:
- You are guaranteed your money, should the judge rule in your favor. According to the courts, 80% of Plaintiffs NEVER receive their money. [I’m not sure about this stat but I am positive about this: I am not your average plaintiff and have specific plans about how I’m going to get my money].
- We will provide transportation to and from our studio. [Thanks, guys, but the studio is close enough for me to walk and I’d relish the exercise. My cheeks would go all blushy so I wouldn’t have to use make-up.]
- We will save you time … only doing 10 cases a day as opposed to the hundreds that are scheduled in your local court allows you to be in and out quickly. [I can’t fault this statement, given that my Small Claims Court hearing is scheduled for early December 2012. But I don’t know that I want “quick;” I want thorough. And some vengeance.]
- You will receive $250 for your time, should the judge rule against you. [Oh, Marilyn, you would not rule against me.]
There are additional benefits that I would like to discuss with you. Please call me at: [I’m not putting the numbers in here, lest the whole country wants to be on Reality TV. I’m absolutely sure that isn’t true but … what? You say it is true? Everyone does want to be a fool on Reality TV? Oh.].
Thank you for your time. I look forward to helping you with your case.
It’s signed by the producer, whose name is Liz. Just like my lawyer. But, no, not like my lawyer. My lawyer is a genuine lawyer. And I don’t think The Other Liz can really help me with my case, not as much as my Liz can and, since Small Claims is essentially a pro se business, not as much as I can help myself.
There is some temptation, though. I do have a sub-category in Sidebar called Getting the Media Involved, although I don’t think I consider Reality TV “media,” exactly. I’ve never seen these court reality shows but from the TV promos I gather that both sides of a case, plaintiff and defendant, stand in front of the judge and have to perform ad lib as she yells at them from a seriously elevated bench. And I’ve got a delicious image of Chaz Skush-O’Brien getting humiliated by the judge. Prospective schadenfreude tugs at my heart strings.
But no. I’m going to e-mail the Other Liz and graciously decline.
However, all of you who took my advice and filed Small Claims Court cases in Manhattan: you may be contacted by The People’s Court and you may choose to become a Reality TV Star.
I wish you well.
LONG OVERDUE UPDATE 10/1/2015. As I reported extensively in my numbered series on my Small Claims Court adventures, I did indeed get the full amount I was owed, without the presumptive indignity of appearing on any of the reality TV court shows.