I’ve been warned

All you NetFlix sophisticates can think what you will about my neophyte wonder at things I’m seeing there.

By “things,” I don’t necessarily mean movies or TV shows. Today I mean the string of warnings which appear atop of the NetFlix screen.

I’m warned about “sex,” “nudity,” “language” (doesn’t specific what language or what in that language I might find objectionable or shocking). And am I being silly to laugh at the caboose warning,”smoking”? I’d understand if I were being warned about second-hand smoke but if characters in a TV cop series want to smoke…well, gee. If I’m not inhaling it, why should I care that they’re antediluvian about their health? I’m not sitting in my chair ready to lecture them on emphysema. That’s not why I’m watching the shows…although I do sometimes wonder why I’m watching the shows, but not because of the warning labels.

I’m currently moderately involved in an Icelandic cop series that has become porn. And not really soft porn either. So many naked bodies–although I give the series one hand clapping for being almost as willing to show male body parts as they are female ones.

But about the smoking warning: it ain’t just tobacco these people are ingesting. Although I’ve spotted one or two joints, there are multiple incidents of snorting one thing or the other, drinking booze juiced up with Roofies, and shooting up one thing or the other. The needles are shown going into arms. No cutting away here.

Why haven’t I been warned about all that stuff?

Maybe NetFlix would consider employing me part time to write their warning labels. As a résumé, here’s my warning label addendum:

Sex in soft focus.

Sex in hard focus.

Sexual violence, with or without tattoos.

YouTube quality lessons in preparing drugs for use in syringes, wrapping elastic around arms, finding veins and close-up visuals of drugs entering veins and the aftermath. As good a demonstration as folding contour sheets.

“Lawyers” behave outside of any professional or amateur code of conduct.

Residential door locks do not keep anyone out of residences.

Lead cop has serious family problems.

Dismembered animals, including human ones.

Insidious and omnipresent use of smart phones.

Insidious and omnipresent use of hacking everyone’s smart phones.

Humans sliced up with knives on camera; bloody messes.

Once I’ve figured out the creepy bad guy — so obvious — why must I watch several further episodes? Just to see more naked bodies having sex?

All right, I ran away with myself at that last one. So NetFlix won’t hire me. And I take entire responsibility for watching these damn shows when I could relegate them to my own dust heap.

But what if the horrible creepiest guy (who’s one of those lawyers) isn’t the worst of the bunch, and what if the alcoholic sexually manipulated lawyer doesn’t go into rehab while I’m watching?

What if?


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