Let’s drop kick the Cowboys out of the NFC East Conference

That’s a demand.

Take a look at the United States map — if you can find one that has all 32 NFL teams on it. Not easy. I tried. There are lots of maps but as I scrolled down trying to find one with all the teams, I found a map labeled “drunkest fans in the NFL.”

I did not look at that map.

So never mind the bloody maps.

Here’s the thing: the team America loves to hate, the Dallas Cowboys, is one of four teams in the NFC East division. East. You get that, right?

Here are the four NFL teams in the NFC East division:

  • The New York Giants. Who are located in New Jersey but never mind that. New York, New Jersey — both definitely in the northeast of the United States.
  • The Philadelphia Eagles. Ditto, above. Definitely northeast United States.
  • Washington we don’t say the team name anymore. In the east, yes, although sliding into southeast territory.
  • The Dallas Cowboys? Look at a map, if you can find one. I’m looking at my U.S. atlas and I think we can all agree Dallas is not in the east. It is in the middle of the country, south.

And there is an NFC South division. Currently, it consists of these teams:

  • The New Orleans Saints. Yep, New Orleans is definitely in the South.
  • The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Yep, Tampa Bay is definitely in the South.
  • The Atlanta Falcons. Yep, Atlanta is still considered part of the South.
  • The Carolina Panthers, located in Charlotte, North Carolina. And North Carolina is edging upward toward the mid-Atlantic states.

So why are the Dallas Cowboys in the NFC East?

Because the northeast is a major media market. And Dallas, Texas is, well, not that major. The Cowboys egregiously egregious owner, the thoroughly loathed Jerry Jones, loves getting as much attention as possible for his team (although since I don’t want to irritate him, I won’t dig out the years when Dallas was in the playoffs, let alone the Super Bowl), and he gets more attention in the northeast than he’d get in the south. Because attention = money money money.

So Dallas is in the wrong division because of Jerry’s bullying tactics and loathsome Texas greed.

Logically — and strategically — Dallas should be in the NFC South, with New Orleans, Tampa Bay, and Atlanta. And Carolina should be in the NFC East, with New York, Washington, and Philadelphia.

So how can we get this done?

Don’t know, so I’m going back to watching the end of the Jets-Houston game. Which is pronounced “Howston.” And do not sneer at me. I’m one of the few people you know who pronounces “NwOrluns” correctly.

(And wait: why is Howston in the AFC East?????)

I am so so tired of Texas.

UPDATE WITH EMBARRASSMENT: The Howston Texans are NOT in the AFC East. They are in the AFC SOUTH. Correctly. They played the Jets because that’s how the NFL schedule worked out. (The Giants also played Howston; we won, our first win this season.)


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