Mishegas: I wandered into something…weird…while shopping on line

I would not have discovered a weird paper product item if my local Bed Bath & Beyond hadn’t closed without informing me.

Apparently they informed the rest of my neighborhood, though. I ran into a friend (with my empty shopping cart) and said, “Bed Bath & Beyond closed,” and she said, “I know.” Then she looked at my empty cart and said, “Oh, and you went all the way down there and back.” Which was true. I appreciated her empathy.

I didn’t mind the walk, though. It’s a walk and we all like walking, don’t we, even when it’s 84 degrees and we’re pulling a shopping cart on our walk and filling it with nothing? But what I do mind is losing easy access to BB&B for a number of no-name things they sell at half the price of the name things, along with other good stuff.

Walking home I had time to think through how I’d replace BB&B for those things without breaking my boycott of Walgreens/Duane Reade. But no, I couldn’t. I couldn’t go into Duane Reade. I passed it by. A man positioned right outside said to me, “Do you believe in Jesus?” I said, “No,” which he wanted to discuss but I didn’t, and continued walking, right into a trio of young Hasidic men, one of whom asked me that fatal question: “Are you Jewish?” To which I gave him the fatal answer fired off by my quick-witted brother years ago — “Not your kind of Jew.”

These dual questions must have resolved my inner turmoil because it was right then I made the decision: I had to shop at BB&B on line. Had to. Even though the last time I did, they sent one item not to me but to their store in Ramsey, New Jersey. “Your order is available to pick up now!” they announced. And gave me a couple of hours to get to Ramsey, New Jersey (where is Ramsey, New Jersey?) to achieve my purchase goal.

So I hung my shopping cart up on the hooks I installed for it, and voyaged online to BB&B. It was a solid experience until I had trouble finding cheap bottles of saline solution (contact lenses). I scrolled around for a while until I gave up.

But I was a couple of bucks short of free delivery. So I did what I’m sure BB&B wanted me to do: I thought of a bunch of other things I maybe don’t need, or can find locally. I ordered one of them.

I also needed one of those packages of pocketbook-sized Kleenex tissues packs. I was bewildered at how difficult it was to identify the product I was searching for. I typed in all sorts of possibilities on the central theme of “tissues.” Eventually, I did find something but it seemed industrial-sized, maybe 60 packets, with something like a pink flower pictured on each packet.

Then I looked at the description under the photo:

Sparkle and Bash in Loving Memory Funeral Facial Tissues.

I didn’t study the offering to see if there was an additional charge to have the name of the beloved deceased stamped on each tissue.