Mysteries of life: a peculiar sign I saw today

Taking a little vacation from arguing the world, I had my eyes examined today. Which means I had to stagger home in a glarey fuzz.

Thus, I took a route down a cross-street with less sunlight and fewer pedestrians. I’m wobbly when I can’t see clearly and fear lurching into a fellow being walking his dog on a leash I can’t see. And other obstacles.

Because I couldn’t see at much of a distance, my focus was unusually close; I was noticing things I normally don’t.

A sign standing outside a tanning salon caught my interest. It was on a white board and handwritten in a variety of marker colors. This is what it said:




I’m puzzling over this. I get what “tanning” is: dangerous and potentially deadly. (Think: melanoma.)

But airbrushing? I know what airbrushing is or has been: a way commercial photographers make a 50-year-old celebrity lose the bags under his eyes, the spots on her face, the triple chin and pleating on an aging chest. Thirty pounds of gut.

But what does a tanning salon have to do with airbrushing? Are they maybe airbrushing an actual person? I’m envisioning some sort of shpritzing device applied to bags, spots, chins, guts. No. Not possible, is it?

And teeth whitening? I know how it’s done but don’t think it can legally or effectively be done outside a dentist’s office.

And is this tripartite offer a package deal? You go in, you lie on a tanning bed, you get your lethal rays going while someone shoves a mold into your mouth and the tanning light acts as a whitening light and while all this is going on, some guy steps in with electric spray gun and makes all your uglies seem to disappear, temporarily…

Several hours have passed. My pupils are still massive. When they shrink to normal size, I will probably forget all about this sign. Maybe I didn’t really see it at all.


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