On behalf of Steve Bannon, I’m entering a new career! Club Fed Advisory Agent

Sort of like a travel agent except with certain limitations. And yes, it’s one of the many, many hilariously superficial and empty career choices abounding in an age when “influencer” is a major career choice. And yes, I made it up.

What convinces me I have a solid opportunity here is that Steve Bannon — remember him? — is going to be sentenced to a term in federal prison on Friday. This Friday, two days from now.

So naturally I started contemplating the Club Fed possibilities for Bannon. Where will he be sent? Will it have a gorgeous faςade like La Tuna? Or will he go for mixing with the $$$ white collar criminal hoi polloi at Allenwood?

I’m sort of teasing Bannon there, because he won’t get to choose where he will serve his sentence; ever so aptly in Jan 6 defendants’ and Bannon’s cases, the Federal Bureau of Prisons is a super-authoritarian government. They don’t give pardons, they don’t ask prisoners for their preferences or choice of dinner wines. They don’t seek votes or approval. They don’t request comments.

The BOP just sticks ’em wherever they decide to, and they move them around the country whenever it suits them. “Them,” as in the Bureau of Prisons, not the prisoners.

So what would be my role as an advisor if I can’t run through the amenities at each facility so Bannon can choose the one that most suits him? Well, I’d tell Bannon and the many others who will follow him what their new Club Fed facility will be offering in the way of commissary treats, musical instruments, classes and sports. You know, the things he’ll be stuck with for at least 6 months.

I just learned about Texarkana FCI. The next long-sentence Jan 6 defendant will be heading there. What’s interesting (to me, anyway) is the commissary list for Texarkana is utterly different from the La Tuna one. The most exotic foodstuff you can buy at Texarkana is a honey pepper turkey stick ($1.20). You might remember La Tuna’s commissary list included smoked oysters.

Near the facility is the Circle J Cowboy Church.

The Admissions and Orientation Handbook opens with this enthusiastic sentence: “Welcome to the Federal Correctional Institution, Texarkana, Texas.” The third paragraph of the A&O is equally helpful: “Confinement is never a pleasant experience, but here at FCI Texarkana we have attempted to establish an institution where you will be able to make the most of the time that you spend with us.”

And Texarkana FCI has a band, although they don’t indicate also having a compliment of band instruments so I’m not sure what the inmates would play at concerts and recitals.

But will Bannon be able to continue his broadcasting or podcasts or whatever you call what he does? Here’s what the Texarkana A&O says about electronic devices: “Be advised that the unauthorized possession, manufacture, or introduction of electronic items and components of electronic items such as unauthorized MP3 players, chargers, cell phones,
and SIM cards, etc., constitutes a prohibited act under the inmate disciplinary system.”

O no!! Bannon fans will be bereft. And Texarkana is a soft facility, low security and all that. If Texarkana wouldn’t encourage Bannon to broadcast, I’m not sure there’s a facility that will.

It seems I’m enjoying this career. I will now apply myself to finding a spot for Bannon. Let’s see what I come up with.


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