Kevin Underhill, the maestro of LoweringTheBar, just published a couple of (more or less) legal-fuck-up stories that go beyond funny. Although, of course, they’re funny.
A couple of times, Kevin (I don’t know him but I love him, and my heart is giving me permission to call him by his first name) has hit on (pun) some incidents involving hitmen. You know, the guys or gals who can be employed to hit somebody you don’t like. Fatally, presumably.
You’ll need to read these two cases Kevin cites — factual, if wacky, stories — before I explain why I think they present good news. Go:
Have we discussed “Rent-A-Hitman” before? We haven’t? Oh. Well, you should probably know that rentahitman.com is a joke site that doesn’t actually provide hitman services, although according to its founder at least 30 people have been arrested because they thought it did. Nor should you send in your resumé if you are seeking employment as a hitman, as someone did this month. Also, my understanding is that hitmen generally do not prepare resumés at all.
I might have been thinking of this other case, where instead of doing the hit himself, the hitman subcontracted it to another hitman, apparently not foreseeing that his hitman might himself hire another hitman, or that this hitman would hire yet another hitman, who would hire a hitman, who would hire a hitman. With that many hitmen involved, somebody’s going to screw something up. See “Fourth-Level Subcontractor Ruins Murder Plot” (Oct. 23, 2019).**
Okay. Here’s why I consider these items good news.
According to whatever credible authority from which I picked up these numbers, we have something like 330 million people in this country, 258 million of whom are adults. Of these adults, 32 percent claim they own guns, i.e., 82 million.
But how many guns are privately owned in the United States? Around 393 million. That is, there are more guns than people in the U.S., although not everybody owns one. Which means some people own lots and lots. Indeed, we hear some people have arsenals in their homes. I can’t imagine what they imagine they’re going to do with all those guns. My stomach isn’t strong enough to slink into the thought processes of gun owners.
Here’s the good news: with all these guns owned by not entirely sane or intelligent people (owning a gun is, by my definition, dumb nuts), people whose gun ownership hints mildly at a propensity for violence and killing and murder…
Why haven’t all these gun owners put hitmen out of business? Why aren’t they doing the hits themselves?
You say because they’d rather pay for the service than be caught murdering someone and going directly to jail? Well, let me remind you of Kyle Rittenhouse, and of the deep evil of “stand your ground” and “self-defense” laws abounding in the areas where massive gun ownership combines with rage and murderous intentions. If these guys can’t set themselves up for impunity after murdering someone…well, what does it say about their smarts?
Another thought. Men with all these guns have friends with guns. I’m sure they have gun clubs and shooting clubs where an enterprising pre-murderer might suggest to a pal, “Hey, d’ya have anyone you want to kill because we could do a switcheroo, set up solid alibis and no one would figure it out, right?”
I’m not going to be the one to summarize Strangers On A Train for these guys, partly because Patricia Highsmith creeps me out, but feel free yourselves to —
Anyway, my point is: instead of using their 393 million guns to murder someone they’re pissed at, they’re trying to hire hitmen. Hitmen. (Whose Yelp ratings in China, I’ll bet, have skidded off a cliff lately; see above, re subcontracting).
Wimps, pussies, loud bullies. All yelling mouths, all Nazi t-shirts and masks. It’s performance art. I mean, they’re carrying their guns into delis to order egg salad sandwiches for lunch. Right.
I’m seeing this as good news.
** Yes, I realize this happened in China. But let’s face it: China exports HUGE amounts of its product to us, so even if hitman subcontractors don’t show up in an aisle at Walmart, the pattern will.