Summary Judgment, The Diet. Phase 2

So you’ve finished writing your affidavit and the whole thing — in my case, we had a foot+ high pile of exhibits — has been filed with the Court, and served on your opponent.

Now what?

Your appetite will start sneaking up on you. Yes, you will get hungry.

You have just entered Phase 2, the critical part of the SJ Diet. Phase 1 was easy; you weren’t very hungry, you didn’t eat a lot, you lost weight. Good news, though: Phase 2 may be critical but it isn’t particularly difficult.

You are hungry, and you are hungry now virtually all the time. Whatever you eat satisfies you for, oh, maybe a half hour and then you get hungry again.

That’s OK. This is the time to adapt that irritating advice all of us have read at some point in our (hungry) lives: eat whenever you are hungry, but eat small meals, as frequently as you want. Apply this rule whenever you need it. Which could be often.

Say you eat oatmeal as the first meal of your day. No matter what your appetite is telling you, do not increase the amount of oatmeal you make. Use a small bowl and control yourself. (My mother used to feed us oatmeal pretty much every morning, especially in the winter. “It lines the stomach,” she said, possibly incorrectly but her point was solid. Oatmeal does satisfy beyond expectations.)

So keep your frequent meal-portions small. Get happy with one piece of toast made from some exquisite bread, with a small amount of cheese, or (god help us) hummus (so damn boring, so maybe try baba ganoush). (Tip for the hummus contingent: put some roasted or sautéed red peppers on the top. Red peppers probably have a lot of some vitamin or another, and they taste great. Much better than the hummus.)

Indeed, I just got hungry while typing this — how surprising! — and I toasted one piece of Irish soda bread, with a schmear of Peanut Butter & Co smooth peanut butter. (I just found a reduced fat peanut butter from Smuckers that is fine.) I’ve finished my toast and am no longer hungry.

So that’s the idea. Small amounts of food, but delish. And don’t be afraid of bread, whatever horrors you’ve heard. Bread is satisfying and bears up well under foodstuffs that are even more satisfying. I can’t figure out anything that’s in bread which will turn you into a balloon.

(I’m not touching the whole no-gluten fad that’s rocketing around this country.)

And sure, lots of salad, lots of veggies, BIG portions of ’em and smaller portions of meat and fish on top of potatoes, rice, quinoa.

But do not deprive yourself. If you have a sweet tooth, make sure you eat dessert. In fact, I order you to eat dessert. P.S. Somewhere I just read that having a snack late at night is not the curse we all thought it was. My absolutely favorite snack is Happy Herbert’s Wild Rice crackers, but I warn you: the next time D’Agostino’s is out of Happy Herbert’s Wild Rice crackers, I will hunt you down and do something to you, I know not what.

So eat, eat, eat, eat. Small, small, small.

That’s Phase 2 of the SJ Diet. I’m in it right now and will of course let you know if I discover a Phase 3.

UPDATE 9/4/2014. I just heard really good things about spinach, that there’s something in it that satisfies appetite beyond expectations and people who eat it lose weight more easily. AND I warned you that if D’Ag runs out of Happy Herbert’s Wild Rice crackers, I’d hunt you down and they have, and I will.

UPDATE 2/10/2015. I’ve moved and find myself quite far from a D’Agostino. Ergo, I was running out of Happy Herbert’s Wild Rice snack crackers. So I actually walked nearly a mile to the closest D’Ags. What did I find? No Happy Herbert’s at all! And what did I learn when going weepy before the store manager?

D’Ags will no longer be selling Happy Herbert’s. Something about a price problem.

I am doubly bereft since the manager suggested I try Whole Foods and I said I didn’t go to Whole Foods for political reasons (long New Yorker piece about the owner-founder who sounded very rich and remarkably offensive and stupid to me), but now I don’t know what to do.

Aside from getting in touch with those Happy people in New Jersey and asking where in NYC they still will be selling the rice crackers.

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