The most hilarious (and mysterious) news of the week

From Harper’s Weekly Review:

…it was reported that the leaders of the Conservative Political Action Conference had held an exorcism at their headquarters.

So whom did they exorcise? Or what?

I’m now realizing I know little about exorcisms, except what I learned from The Exorcist. Which can’t be a model for factual information, given its fictional mode. Although can exorcisable…things, or whatever they are, ever be considered factual? Off to Google I go and having gone, find this:

…Exorcists were instituted in the Church to heal those possessed by the Evil One, imitating the charity of Christ, even by commanding demons, in the name of God to retreat, that they might do no further harm to human creatures in any way.

This is from the uh bible of exorcism, entitled “Exorcisms and Related Supplications,” a 2013 treatise and script published by the Catholic Church. So this is where I learned about the Evil One — well, not really. I’d heard of the Evil One, of course. We’ve all heard of the Evil One.

So maybe the Conservative Political Action Conference was attempting to get rid of the Evil One in their ranks. But don’t you need a person who’s been possessed by the Evil One in order to hold an exorcism? Unless the SCOTUS Citizen’s United decision determined that CPAC, like corporations, was a person. Then I guess you could do the ritual at CPAC headquarters.

But wait a minute. If CPAC officials are exorcising the Evil One from CPAC, doesn’t that mean the Evil One has set up residence within the PAC itself?

Now, those of us who believe in the Evil One must pause to consider what this means: conservatism has been invaded by the Evil One. (Those of us who don’t believe in the Evil One might be tempted to, given his occupancy of a conservative PAC.)

Let’s take this admission to another level: SCOTUS. Given the numbers of conservative¬† Catholics on the Court (six) and given the decisions by this Court — and given that the Evil One can only invade Catholics who believe in him — well, maybe term limits are too onerous and too slow. Maybe just an exorcism will do the trick.

But as an apostatic Jew, dare I suggest “kenahora poo poo poo” to Catholic conservatives? It’s so much simpler than an exorcism and, as far as I know, just as effective in warding off evil.


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