I was reading today’s Gail Collins column, “Let’s Call It Trumpvirus,” as the preferred way to learn about Trump’s press conference — or whatever that thing was — on the coronavirus.
I can’t listen to him speak — or whatever that thing he does is — because after years of study I have determined that (a) virtually everything he says is a lie, (b) virtually everything he says is founded in ignorance and stupidity and (c) virtually everything he says is incomprehensible anyway.
So I fall gratefully upon Gail Collins to tell me what’s happening with our government’s, uh, plans for dealing with a possible pandemic.
So, our Coronavirus Czar is going to be… Mike Pence. Feeling more secure?
Our president had to be going crazy over a problem that involves both declining stock prices and germs…Meanwhile, he’s come up with a totally new explanation for the stock market skid. It turns out investors were not frightened so much by the pandemic as the Democratic debate.
Plus that virus thing is … not necessarily a big deal. What really “shocked” him, Trump said, was his discovery that “the flu in our country kills 25,000 people to 69,000 people a year.”
So the problems are the Democrats and the flu. The answers are Mike Pence and … reminding the public once again that Nancy Pelosi’s district has a big homeless problem.
The president had been saying everything is totally under control for some time. (“It’s one person coming in from China.”)
The whole administration picked up the cry. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, 82, overcame his habit of dozing off at meetings long enough to tell Fox Business Network that the disease would “accelerate the return of jobs” from overseas.
Trump totally agrees. “What it’s gonna do is keep people home, and they’re going to travel to places we have,” he said.
See? The virus thing is a bonus.
Read Collins in toto to get her rundown of how Trump’s variety of “acting” administrative figures have grasped what’s going on with the coronavirus. It’ll be illuminating. For instance:
The nation got its first real look at Chad Wolf, the acting homeland security secretary, who appeared before a Senate subcommittee and admitted he had no idea how the virus was transmitted among humans, exactly how dangerous it was, or … pretty much anything.
When Senator John Kennedy, a Louisiana Republican not known for anti-administration bias, asked whether the country had enough respirators to deal with a coronavirus epidemic, Wolf answered in the affirmative.
“We just heard testimony that we don’t,” Kennedy responded.
“OK,” said Wolf.
OK, well, I could just copy and paste all of Gail Collins here but that isn’t really what I started to write about. Which was god. Here’s what she wrote that caused me to talk to god:
[Trump] is the guy, after all, who thinks shaking hands is “barbaric,” who is followed around by aides bearing sanitizer. During his press conference he told the story of a fever-ridden supporter who gave him a hug.
It was at that point I found myself muttering to god, “OK, one last chance to prove you exist: Trump gets coronavirus and dies, right? Right?”
I swear right here: if it happens, I will start calling the chief supernatural thingee “God” instead of god.