Will Trump be able to President from federal prison?

As the many trials of the Former Guy begin to take form and calendars, once again the questions about what he might be able to do in prison arise. “Do,” in the sense of, say, be the president of the United States.

I’m aware my reflections here will undoubtedly instigate a mass cry of “Kinahora poo poo poo!” Some of that cry will be erupting from a number of my nearest and dearest who remain suffering from Trump Trauma, terrified to consider that justice will get him. Me? I’m not poo-ing, let alone thrice.

Since I have no previous acquaintance with Georgia’s prison system, I default back to the Federal Bureau of Prisons — which is happy to inform me about what happens to prisoners in the system. To be utterly fair and rational (please take this into account, you poo-poo-pooers), I’m checking in (metaphorically) to Allenwood’s low security facility, long sneered at as being Club Fed which incarcerates big money white collar criminals and, supposedly, gives them a comfortable stay with country club-like facilities and accommodations.

There were rumors. Tennis courts. A golf course. Cordon bleu chefs. But we the people deal in facts, don’t we? So what are the actual facts about life in Allenwood?

Here’s a pic of the front door:

Oh no — wait! That was Trump’s front door as portrayed by the Daily News, once upon a dreadful time. But he’s not there anymore.

Here’s Allenwood’s front door:

So let’s imagine Trump being taken through that door and being welcomed within. He’ll receive a copy of the facility’s Admissions and Orientation Handbook. Will he be able to read it?

But we can read, can’t we? So let’s do so.

A (freely composed but always factual) digest of Trump’s life in FCI Allenwood Low

  • His morning will begin after the first prisoner count at 5 a.m. If Trump wants breakfast, well, it begins at 6 a.m. and his bed must be made by 7:30 a.m.
  • Clothing. This will be a grievous disappointment to many longing to see Trump in an orange jumpsuit. The daily dress until 4 p.m. is khaki shirt and trousers. And Trump will have to wear his prison ID, his commissary card, around his neck at all times. Also, “Inmates will be cognizant of the requirement to remain clothed at all times, with the exception of inmate shower stalls…” because there are women prison staffers.
  • Telephones. There are telephones in Trump’s Housing Unit. Trump will have to set up a prison account in order to use the phones. Calls are strictly limited. The rules for making calls are way too long and complicated for me to summarize here. Suffice it to say Trump’s telephone usage will be severely restricted. No personal cell phones are permitted.
  • Correspondence. The limitations are as long as the rules for telephone usage (see above). Anybody outside prison who writes to Trump will be subjected to equally rigorous restrictions, even specifying the color of the paper used for the correspondence. White. Surprise.
  • Work Assignments. “All inmates are expected to maintain a regular job assignment and will be assigned to a job based primarily on institution needs. Factors considered in determining specific work assignments are your physical condition, education level, previous work experience, general aptitude, ability to benefit from training and plans for the future, as well the needs of the institution.”
  • Trump will not be permitted to run his own business from prison. I assume this “business” would include the presidency.
  • The work Trump might be assigned is run by a government corporation which “strives to produce quality products at competitive prices with timely delivery. Sales are restricted, by law, to departments and agencies of the Federal Government.” Among Trump’s possible assignments for the Allenwood office furniture group?  “Sewing, Tacking Upholstering, Quality Assurance, Clerical/Office clerks, and various general orderlies for sanitation & maintenance for the factory.” The top pay is $1.35 an hour. Don’t ask about the lowest pay.
  • Controlled Movement.” Oh boy. “From 7:30 AM until 8:40 PM, Monday through Friday, movements throughout the institution are regulated by a procedure known as ‘Controlled Movement.’ The purpose of Controlled Movement is to ensure the movement of inmates from various areas is orderly.” As I said, oh boy. Trump, famously disciplined, will adore this.
  • And then there’s Sanitation: “You are required to maintain a high level of sanitation in your living area…Floors will be cleaned and trashcans emptied on a daily basis…”
  • As for the food service? The menus concentrate on “heart healthy” meals. No more Trump burgers and two chunks of chocolate cake.

Trump’s leisure time will not include golf. There is no golf course, not even miniature, at Allenwood, nor are there tennis courts. There’s a juicy rumor squashed. But he can jog, play handball, basketball, and flag football. He can join an athletic league.

Or maybe bingo is more Trump’s speed.

Is that enough?

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