Psst. Wanna bid on a a big bird?

Hey, you too could own a cassowarry, a really really big bird with a “daggerlike claw on each foot.” She comes without a name so you can call her whatever you want.

Like murderer.

“Giant Bird That Killed Its Owner Is Put Up for Auction.”

So many questions — although the Times article does describe exactly what happened to Ms. Cassowary’s owner, name of Marvin Hajos.

Why would anybody want a cassowarry? I understand about roos, and maybe even wombats. But something taller than you, probably, with a bright blue face “topped with a horn-like ridge,” and with those daggers? Nah.

And why, after she’s killed her previous owner, is she going up as an auction item?

“There will be no videoing in any part or portion in whole of this auction,” [Gulf Coast Livestock Auction] group wrote [in a release]. “Anyone seen video taping in any capacity will be deemed trespassing and will be escorted out by security…”

I’d think letting Ms. Cassowarry get at you would be a sufficient threat.

Doesn’t this all sound like an episode in a James Bond film?

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